Apology and Job Posting

To my three dedicated followers, my parents, and the four other people who read this, I'm sorry for my lack of diligence in upkeep of the Pitts Post-Gazette. I know it has been quite some time since I have posted an entry and that anticipation for my latest piece is high. The primary reason for the lag in posts is my outrageously busy schedule. Between exams, making sure I show up to class, my two (yes, two!) highly distinguished internships, and maintaining my social standing as being "the man" around campus, I have found it extremely difficult to be as prolific as I initially desired.

With that being said, I have made a position available for one lucky individual to be my interning assistant. Like most internships pay will NOT be monetary, but rather in the form of perks, I will get to these later. The required skills and qualifications to being my assistant are as follows: a cumulative GPA of 4.0 (unofficial transcript must be provided at time of interview), highly motivated, extremely organized, have a valid driver's license (you will be driving me to class, work, and social functions), willing to work eight days a week (if I do it, you do it), proficient ironing skills (I refuse to walk around with wrinkled pants, shirts, underwear, and socks), can shine shoes, and must be presentable (I can't have my image tarnished because of my assistant).

Now, the perks involved in working alongside me: immediate rise in status by mere association, my assistant will be allowed to take the last drags of my Camel Lights, as well as the last sips of my SmartWaters, unlimited packages of Lance crackers, the availability of doing laundry when doing mine (loads divided 75% mine, 25% assistant's, and I will provide the detergent), and the guarantee that I will write an outstanding, and highly recognized, recommendation at the end of tenure.

Applicants can send their resume directly to my gmail account. From there I will decide those candidates most qualified and interviews will follow. Good luck potential assistants. This is the opportunity of a lifetime.